(WARNING: The fliers in Ohio are real, but the rest is satire and should not be taken personally by anyone!)
Fliers have appeared promoting the “Straight White Guy Festival” in Columbus, Ohio, but authorities have not been able to determine if the festival will really take place – or if it’s a prank.
The “Straight White Guy Festival” is being promoted for September 20 at Columbus’ Goodale Park, which is where the city’s annual gay pride parade takes place.
In talking about gay pride parades and festivals on “The Scoot Show” – I have had a few listeners bring up the idea of having a “Straight Pride Festival.”
Would you support a “Straight Guy Festival?” Considering the growing acceptance of homosexuals throughout society – I imagine many people would support a festival that celebrates being straight. Maybe it’s time for straight people to stand up and demand that this country promotes inequality in marriage and discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace.
Straight people in America are exposed to news almost every day about court rulings that proposed bans on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. Heterosexuals should have a festival that celebrates the fact that men and women should be together – even though neither gender totally understands the other.
The “Straight Pride Festival” would also acknowledge the disadvantages of being a heterosexual. Straight American couples are at a disadvantage because they cannot share clothes with their partners – American women with straight husbands could not depend on their partner contributing to the tasteful decoration of their home. How can that be fair in America?
If this is truly a country built on equality – a “Straight Pride Festival” would bring to light the countless injustices bestowed upon heterosexuals. It would be about politics as much as it would be about just having fun and celebrating straightness for all to see!
And what if there was a “Straight Pride Festival?” What would the festival include?
Replacing the rainbow colors that represent gay pride - navy blue and khaki would be the official colors of the “Straight Pride Festival.” Booths would sell t-shirts with these phrases – “Support inequality in marriage” – “Adam & Eve, not Adam and Steve!” – “It’s only OK for athletes to pat each other on the butt” – and “Straight Happens!”
The songs popular at gay pride festivals – “We Are Family” – “I Will Survive” – and “It’s Raining Men” would be replaced with songs like “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul – “Straight from the Heart” by Bryan Adams and “Superman” by Kryptonite.
One concern is that news coverage of a “Straight Pride Festival” would only show straight people acting outrageously and that could demean the image of straights everywhere! Inevitably, the news cameras would catch straight men chugging beer and belching and the hocking of loogies on public streets. Yes, I can hear the outcry now – “We’re not all that way! Don’t just us by the behavior of those who attend the ‘Straight Pride Festival!’”
But in a country that was built on the equality – is there any reason to not have a “Straight Pride Festival” – other than it would probably be boring!